You will never have my permission to close yourself off to love and give up.
• Live a life that lifts you up and supports your healing, radiate love
• Location: Carlsbad, CA
I wear my heart on my sleeve, it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I have realized how important it is to be an enthusiast in life. No matter what it is, when you go at full speed and embrace things, hugging it and loving it, being passionate, you gain power, passion, freedom, and joy. Lukewarm is no good.
When most people think of toxic relationships, people who are cruel and uncaring immediately come to mind. However, loving relationships can be toxic to you. While they love you dearly and have many good intentions, they are in essence toxic because they force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They are not inherently bad people, they simply are not the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. You cannot destroy yourself for the sake of someone else despite how much you care.
So often in relationships, we forget that our wellbeing is a priority. You are not a terrible person because someone breaks up with you. Leaving does not mean you are incapable of real love or that you will never love anyone else again. Simply the terms have changed for one particular relationship.
There is nothing wrong with my ex-boyfriend Myles. He was not perfect, but he was pretty close. I met him only a month later to be diagnosed Type 1 diabetes and Graves' disease. I knew I loved him holding his hands in a hospital gown and bare faced after a month dating. I knew I wanted to marry him on a rash and romantic impulse sitting in his kitchen bar stool catching a look. He was passionate and smart and sensitive and handsome and I believe absolutely crazy about me. I was crazy about him too. He was my best friend, my sweet lover, my guitar-strumming, romantic goofball, road-tripping captain, the co-proprietor of our vast and eclectic music collection, and daddy to my 60 plants. He is a good man with a kind heart and gentle soul.
I was not enough.
I say that over and over and over again until the tears have washed away. I am so shattered I broke my own heart. I am talking about making a considered choice about your life. Telling the truth about oneself and living out that truth is being brave. Being honest. Being real. It is also being heartbroken.
Breaking up with someone I care so deeply about was very painful. It is a shock to be separated from the very person to whom one has clung to for so long, so tightly. You hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet space. It involves a lot of crying too. I needed to create a safer space for myself, one where I did not invite sadness, resentment or anger inside....but an empty space that will allow the love that remains to give me the healing to move forward. You have to be brave enough to break your own heart.
There are some things you cannot understand yet. Your life will be great and continously unfolding. It is good to work hard to resolve childhood issues. It is great work to resolve adult trauma including a devastating heart break. Understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years, most of things will have to do with forgiveness. For me, I learned that my gut instincts are always right. Loving someone well can also mean letting them go and loving at a distance. My heart is my biggest asset and one that I lead well, using what I learn from relationships as a potential template on how to live my life, how to love others very well, but more than that, to have greater self love and value my own worth.
Never give up. Never. You must do everything you can to get what you want and need, and to find that type of love.
It is there for you.
Every last one of us can do better than give up. Especially on ourselves. Especially you.
The journey you take to find love is not going to be average. You have to walk in the darkest of woods without a stick. You have to be brave. A lot of people will leave as a romantic partner. That is okay. You do not need those people. By stepping aside, they have done you a favor. Because after the departed, what you have left are the old souls and the true hearts. These are the people worthy of your love. And you my dear are worthy of them.
You will be transformed the same as love transforms us all. But you have to be fearless enough to let it transform you. The romantic hot monkey love is possible if you allow others to see your beautiful vulnerable interior. If you put your best self out there with as much transparency and sincerity and humor as possible, you are ready to give and receive love. Inhabit the beauty that lives in your body and strive to see the beauty in all others. As Buddha wisely noted, only three things matter - how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. Believe that the fairy tale is true. We get to decide who it is we allow to influence us. So thank you Myles ♥
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