Dating All Wrong: Love and Let Go

Until you change your thinking, you will always recycle your experiences.

Can we pick better romantic partners? I recently was reading a data research study on the science of dating. It's the most consequential question in a person's life to determine who they marry but we don't rely on science to help navigate our dating experience. The conclusion was NO. There you have it folks. The scientist are as clueless as the rest of us. Scientists confirmed that given how unpredictable relationships can be, there was little power predicting how happy two people will be in a relationship.

What a letdown right? Well the biggest lesson they did derive - we are dating all wrong. How? The traits you seek in the dating world do not correlate with romantic happiness and long term success. I admit that I completely agree. The things we seek in our dating arena do not translate to the relationship longevity for marriage status. For some of you, it is same story, different leading partner. Humans tend to be creatures of comfort.

• Love and let go so you can live a great story... it may be a life story together or love story even, let alone the combination of the two.

• Location: Kauai, HI

I learned this recently and very heartbreakingly. You can be very deeply in love and the relationship was a magical love story. But even so, it was not enough to keep the two of us together through better or worse. A lot of that attributes to personal growth to the relationship and individuals in it. It is still a very valuable time. You can split up on mutually agreeable terms so not to hurt any of the parties involved.

How you were loved will reflect how you will love. People want what is familiar. There is safety in familiarity. When you get reactive, be aware. Be mindful. You have a wound that is asking to be healed. You can edit your reality as my therapist likes to remind me. Rewrite the story that goes through your head. With a little work, effort and commitment to yourself, you can get the love you deserve, want, and give away to others.

Below the trigger, is the pattern, is the wound, is the unmet need.

Get in there. Get in your head. Ask yourself why. What are the consistent patterns in your life? The biggest challenge is taking what is familiar to be unfamiliar and making an unfamiliar the new familiar. Unpacking versions of yourself that no longer suit you. You are no longer a child, that child. For me, the seven year old and the eighteen year old shouldn't be standing shoulder to shoulder with this current version. NO. Rather, my younger selves should have morphed into this person I have become and am so deeply proud of. Let go.

Love is not something to earn.

I have discussed this before. We all have nonnegotiables and I had to remind myself why Myles was not the right person for me. He's a runner, it's why I affectionately and befittingly named him that. The one thing I do not waver on is steadfastness. It is the one thing I search for in every man, every relationship, and the very reason I have passed on more than nine proposals. The signs were there in our first six months but I chose to overlook it because he had checked so much off the box. He checked the dating boxes. He did not check off the commitment boxes. Myles struggled with his own past trauma and they were not things for me to take personal accountability for nor should I have to.

But in typical fashion, I questioned my worthiness, my value and the relationship itself. For the first time in my life, I took all the risks and went in 100%. Over and over and over again, my past relationships reinforced that idea. Myles was no different. His actions reiterated that for me. He took the easy way out. Myles believed wholeheartedly he was unlovable. In turn, he decided to not make himself vulnerable enough to connect emotionally or to be present with me. Given that framing, I felt so unworthy, insignificant, and unvalued.

Often times, we don't know how to self-love. Sitting in my last session with my therapist who was talking kindly and reminding me all of my wonder and beauty, it was uncomfortable, unfamiliar. He reminded me how smart, strong, intelligent, passionate and authentic I am. That the positive energy, fire and authenticity I possessed are not to be crushed because a man has to protect his ego. Self-love in all people creates a positive ricochet of self-esteem, self-forgiveness, emotional communication, generosity and affection. Where there's a poverty of love in our own lives, surround yourself by true love.

I won't apologize for loving so hard. I crushed on Myles really hard. I will crush on someone else hard. Again. I will have a million tiny moments with someone again. Love and let go. ♥

Mirror Mirror: A Reflection of Honest Love

Healing has its own time table.

It is true that time heals wounds but I can say if you move along with time, the #healing moves much faster. And at times, I believe we have to sit and just be. Let that quiet space speak to you. I have learned to stop rushing myself in a world where everything is instant or immediate. Sometimes that slower pace is just want you need to process things. The #clarity shows up unexpectedly.

In the past weeks, I had an old trauma resurface and rear its head. As I strongly believe, you are not responsible for the trauma that happened to you. Your healing is your responsibility.

The first step to getting what you want is getting rid of what you do not. That includes bad habits, bad people, bad things, and bad thoughts. Give it all up. When you shine light onto darkness, it is about choosing love over fear. When you hold back the truth, you make fear more important than love.

• Styling: Mirror outfitted from Hobby Lobby l Chair from The Barn

The depth of your love is always mirrored by the depth of your honesty.

I have a pure heart and my world mirrors that. I choose love, that deep love for myself, for God, for grace and forgiveness. I work through trauma so that it does not linger and flow out of my space. I am fortunate to have a space to unpack those emotions. It is here. It is in the gym. It is in my sessions. It is in conversations with my dearhearts.

It has been years since I have been in a toxic relationship but I would not be here without those painful experiences. I also have come full circle to counsel and comfort broken hearts who battle, are dealing with or experiencing the same damage I knew too well. It is far easier to use your challenges to understand others and empathize the struggles and disappointments because we all value #compassion and #encouragement.

We are all deserving of love, success, financial security, friendship, and bottomline #happiness. But if you do not believe you are deserving of these things, then do not expect them to arrive at your door anytime soon. Having a sense of unworthiness will not let good things in. You are not perfect, but no one is. Learning to love yourself opens a door to good things though. So if you ever feel alone, discouraged or do not think anyone understands, please do not. I promise I will be there to catch you, pick you up and lift you. We are all equally positioned to either help or be helped ♥

Sorrowful Longing

The landscape is littered with broken hearts.

Most of us do not want to think about the what-ifs. We do not want to consider failure.

You need to forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal. You still have more incredible memories to make. You still have new trustworthy people to meet. You still have plenty of days to laugh, to remember, to cherish, to keep in your mind forever. You are still young and have so much room to grow and so much opportunities ahead of you.

I do not know how big the sorrow is inside your heart. I would guess it is quite big. Although as each day goes by, it will get smaller. Each day it gets smaller, the smaller the sorrow will become, each day a bit smaller. Then it will become a longing. Our sorrow eventually becomes a longing.

• In Lady Gaga's famous lyrics, it's buried in my soul like that California gold. Everyone can use a happiness vitamin.

• Location: San Clemente, CA

You do not need to be perfect to be ready. You just need to be ready. Break ups are hard. Break ups are a gut punch. Getting involved in a new relationship after a break up takes time and you need to heal and do some emotional work. But you do not need to be perfect. Once you unpack and find who you are, you get a do-over. You can choose to get what you need and give what you want.

Accepting the fact that you loved someone is much harder than falling for that person. It takes time. It takes courage. But when you finally take that time, find the courage and let your guard down, you discover something spectacular. To create a world together and fill it with laughter and smiles, it is like a happiness vitamin. You take it every day to ensure you sleep, eat and live well. You can do it. Thanks to love.

The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.

Life is like that. You cannot rush things nor can you slow them down. So many of us try to spend so much energy to control life and it cannot be controlled. Life happens at its own time.

My next relationship will be my last. I am not looking. I am not worried. I am not rushing. I want this love to find me, learn me, want me, need me, and love me in slow motion. We have forever to go ♥

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