One morning she woke up different.
Before my Type 1 Diabetes and Graves Disease diagnosis l This is me. Active and happy go lucky. A regular 4am gymrat. A passionate foodie.
C.S. Lewis said it best "isn't it funny how day to day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different." Each new chapter of our lives requests an old part of us to fall and a new one to rise. Whenever I felt my life was feeling stagnant or as if nothing is happening, I was really being given the time and space to heal and release the baggage that you cannot carry to where you are meant to go. I haven't been the same since.
My six best doctors: sunshine, love, rest, travel, exercise, and food.
Life is amazing. And then it is awful. And then it is amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it is ordinary and mundane and routine. The days can get rough and messy and painful. I don't think I can remember every detail of this first year of my diagnosis. But my nervous system sure seems to do so. I did not allow myself more time, more explanation, more knowledge. Instead, I removed myself and handed control over to everyone else and went on autopilot.
Don't be so hard on yourself for needing more time to process things because it is overload. My mental health and emotional health took the brunt of my physical health. Rather than recharging to be healthy to save myself, I went into a tailspin. I take responsibility for that decision. I allowed doctors to dictate the course of my #healthmanagement because I trust their expertise. I allowed them to convince me that I did not have a healthy relationship with food. Food became number crunching rather than nourishment and enjoyment. I allowed prescribed medications to dictate what goes in my body without question. I did not like my body and was embarassed about hiding the insulin needle bruises. I allowed people real estate in my head that I was no longer healthy. I was more concerned with covering up my body rather than noticing the definition and strength I developed from my consistent workouts. I became depressed over my weight gain at the appointment check ins. I granted my partner oversight of my happiness. I avoided selfies and mirrors. I was overwrought with anxiety over my health care.
And then it happens...You let time pass. You survive the days. Transformation doesn’t ask that you stop being you. It demands that you find a way back to the #authencity and strength that is already inside of you. When you look back, it's the moments that you felt #lost and unsure that you'll remember. It will be those moments after, those dark moments that lead you to #happiness. The days that break you are the days that make you. I think of the strength I gained and appreciate how far I have come. I have been through a lot. I have grown a lot too. Breathing in the amazing. Holding on through the awful. Relaxing and exhaling through the ordinary.
We do not have the right to feel #helpless. We must help ourselves. The universe delivered and we are responsible for our lives. Give yourself credit for your resilience. Make choices of what you should do and what you want to do. You matter in this world. Heal for you. Grow for you. Show up for you. Get better for you. I made it very personal. I try to remember to celebrate every win, no matter how small. It's our choices that matter in the end.
It took a random stranger in the gym to kindly remind me of my own strength and magnanimous.
Be inspired and inspiring.
I really believe in the magic and power of the individual. It is about being inspired and inspiring. We all have something inside of us. I felt something clicked inside. I was no longer available for careers, relationships, or thoughts that were not in alignment with my highest expression, truths, and desires. Done with trying to figure things out, who I was, who was with me, against me, or walking down the middle because they did not have the guts to pick a side. I was done with anything that did not bring me peace. My worthiness had grown roots with the unshakeable belief that I was worthy of a life of magic. I realized that opinions were dime a dozen, #validation is for parking, and loyalty wasn't a word but a lifestyle. This is the day, moment, where life changed. And not because of a man or job or my doctors but because I realized life is too short to give the key to happiness to anyone else but myself. Stop being so afraid to be #confident. Do not go through life trying to be small, silent, accommodating, and convenient as possible. Speak your mind even if your voice shakes. Be fierce and #unapologetic. Always.
Trust yourself enough to let go, shift, and uproot. Give yourself #permission to shed who you used to be. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been. You are allowed to start over and over and over and bloom into a higher version than your best self. There is no statute of #limitations on starting over.
My first year of diagnosis l This was me. Anxious in Sedona. Insecure in Maui. Self conscious in Pagosa Springs. Still healing from things I do not speak about.
The space you live in directly influences your life. But despite being surrounded in the most beautiful places, I could not see my own beauty.
My highest moment does not define me, neither does my lowest.
I can tell you that place of true healing is a fierce place. It is a giant place. It is a monstrous beauty. And you have to work really, really, really hard to get there, but you can do it. So the useless days will add up to something. The showers endlessly crying. The shitty corporate jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long, meandering walks, even up and down the aisles of HomeGoods. The weekly visits to your forever home and future neighborhood. The days reading poetry and watching dead people’s documentaries and wondering about a forever love or whether you brush your hair or not. These things are your becoming and transforming.
What is the best you can do? Then do that. Every last one of us can do better than give up. Especially on yourself.
This was taken last week at Capilano Suspension Bridge in Vancouver, BC. l This is me now. Happy. Unbothered. Rooted. Unshakeable.
One day you arrive in this place. You are in this place where everything feels right. Your thoughts are positive. Your vision is clear. At peace with where you have been. At peace with what you have been through. At peace with where you are headed. It is about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again. I focus on what really matters, what is important to me, and how to make the most of what lies ahead ♥
