"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a permanent attitude."
Martin Luther King, Jr. said "forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a permanent attitude. " #Forgiveness is such a complicated little thing that holds weighty measures. You cling on to that hurt, madness, sadness and even bitterness because it somehow validates the shit you went through. Then one day, you simply let go and it is almost like a worm shedding its cocoon and becoming a butterfly. You feel released, independent and so carefree.
I do not know why we humans, particularly women, allow ourselves to suffer at our own expense. I remember when I left a #toxicrelationship with Captain America, I literally had to practice chanting "I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you." while I wore the sting of tears of a broken heart and devastated soul. And when I could not muster those words, I laced up my running shoes and went running off the beaten path hoping I would find the woman who lost herself in that #abusive relationship. Pavement therapy became by refuge, healer, teacher, and gift.
John Bingham perfectly captured the beauty of pavement therapy by stating that "we run to undo the damage we've done to body and spirit. We run to find some parts of ourselves yet undiscovered."
Undo. Heal. Empower.
During these treks, I discovered the solitude of loving kindness, conversations with God and the powerful force of using anger as a catalyst and energy to heal myself, to empower myself. With every mile I ran, I released the anger and disappointment and harnessed the self love from being able to do something I did not like one bit. Let's be frank. No one, and if any it is very few, goes in running with balls to the walls kissing the ground. You actually hate it. You despise the thought of the distance you have to go before you actually can call it and drag your ass home. But once you go that extra step, you can not help but keep going and pushing. The rhythm of your breathe calms your angst and the cool sweat comforts you.
Never fails, at the end, I look back and am awestruck at how far I ran, how hard I ran, and how much I expelled the toxicity that was trying to turn my bile black.
Use Love to Forgive.
Most recently, I found my break-up with Myles McDreamy left such deep sadness. So often, people forget that it hurts because it mattered. It matters to you. And that you getting over things and things being better (which it will) is not comforting at a time when you berate yourself for being sad. What would be easier and more bearable to hear is someone telling me it matters, it mattered. In the end, I will recognize that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. But this moment of pain is overwhelming because it was worth so much to me. I felt robbed of a partner, a promised future.
Forgiving him was much easier with the love I had for this man. I am not angry with Myles. Forgiving myself for the failures as a partner and woman took time. I am not angry with myself. I am more angry at his mother. I found myself having to search deep to find forgiveness. This woman was pivotal in shaping the man I loved. Understanding she was suffering and driven by layers and layers of damage inflicted in a line of family hurt was the path to #empathy. I found myself practicing forgiveness once again to release her imprint. The love I had for Myles allowed me to say lovingly "I love you. I forgive you. I am sorry too. Thank you." over and over and over. It is over. As I strongly believe, the past is a place of reference, not residence. That generational curse of hurt runs out today.
I have had many sleepless nights lately after leaving my last job and post break-up. I am feeling lighter by the sound of each key hitting the letters to string these thoughts across the screen. I guess I simply needed to let them out into the universe. Somehow it feels as if this page can carry the weight of my thoughts. It is the same feeling I get when I lace up my shoes. I feel lighter by the sound of feet hitting the pavement and my breathing is mediation.
Running is cheaper than therapy. I am a proponent for both. I am one of those people impossible to fathom hate. I am a child of God, born out of love filled with an inner fire and created to love. I use love to forgive because it is out of love I have been forgiven. Forgiveness holds so much depth than we ever can give it credit. It makes you such a better person. It makes your soul lighter. Even when I doubted I could forgive people and the trespasses that were done to me, through the grace of God, I somehow have been able to give #grace and #compassion. In the most hurtful of places and the lowest we can find ourselves, forgive. It doesn't cost you anything. Let it go. You feel better, lighter, freer ♥
